Balancing on the Edge of Insanity

Turkey Day

Happy Turkey Day everyone.  Hopefully you all are sitting at the computer reading random blogs due to a severe need to get away from those few annoying family members.  And not because you just don't have anything better to do.  If it is because you have nothing better to do... welcome to the club.  I actually have to work both my jobs today.  Meaning from 7am to 11pm I'm working.  No turkey and stuffing for me (well save for the stuff I'll be getting from my works).  No annoying family.  No fighting.  No dirty dishes to wash... you know this is sounding better and better to me.  AND to top it all of... I'm getting time and a half.  This Thanksgiving... I'm thankful for Thanksgiving =->

Happy B-day A-hole

He took her to the cabin for his birthday.  He's known her two months and he's taking her to the cabin.  In the entire year we were together he couldn't take me to the cabin... but he takes her.  Is that a sign of how much he liked me?  That he really was ashamed of me and so wouldn't take me with him when he went places?  Or is it that he only took her because she has a baby and he was giving her a weekend away from the kids out of pity?

Ex # 1 basically admitted to being our anonymous commenter awhile back though.  She read his post talking about his Ange du Sange and she got pissed thinking he was calling me the pet name he called her.  However... that post most likely isn't even about me.  He never called me that.  He reserved that name for Callie.  The sainted ex that dumped him.  That he always loved.  Even though he married me. 

Don't mind me.  I'm grumpy today.  I want to snap at everyone who is being bossy to me save the bosses.  Like one of the agents who just told me to get out of ACW- hello?  I was only in it for two minutes maximum and that was because of the slowness of Seibel.  Not a user issue.  But she yelled at me for it anyhow.  She is NOT a supervisor.  She has no right to yell at me.  So I want to yell back.  But I don't.  Because one of the real supervisors yelled right after her.  I have no patience today.  None.

Yesterday was his birthday.  I called to say happy birthday.  And couldn't think of anything else to say.  I wanted to comment on the whole cabin thing, but knew that would start a fight, so I said nothing.  I just sat on the phone, silent for long seconds, before telling him I'd gotten a text and had to go.  I know he doesn't believe that.  It was the best I could come up with though.  I don't know why it's so hard to talk to everyone right now.  Basically the only ones I can call and have any sort of conversation with is Cousin Wife and Cutie-Who-Moved-To-Texas.  Life sucks...

Changes and Hopes

If you read my other blog you've already seen this.  But I'm too tired to write two different posts....

He left.  Said he'd had enough on July 27th.  Filed for divorce August 26th.  It's finalized fifteen days after November 28th.  I moved out of the apartment after coming back from my trip to Alaska.  Let him have it until the end of the lease in September.  Got my name taken off it and everything.  Just had the bills left in my name (meaning power and gas, had already turned off the phone).  The water bill is going to be his though.  Wonder if he ever paid it.  He lost his $13 an hour job the begining of October.  I only know this because he'd decided we could be "friends with benefits."  I was okay with that as long as it was on my morals and he asked me before sleeping with anyone else.  He couldn't even do that.  He cleaned his room the night before he slept with her.  I think he likes her because of the fact that she already has two kids from two different guys.  And subconsciously he's always wanted his own.  He's got one.  He just never gets to see Kristapher.  Wasn't even sure Kristapher was his for the longest time.  I always knew.  But don't worry about anything I say.  I'm not intelligent.  I don't know anything about the way people work.  Whatever.  He fully left me about two weeks ago now.  Our one year anniversary was Halloween.  I emailed him to tell him happy anniversary.  He couldn't get back to me for four whole days... almost five.  Now though, everyone is avoiding talking to me.  It seems like they've taken his side.  Even though it's most likely that they just want to stay out of it all.  I tried suicide when he fully left.  Failed miserably at that to.  Just ended up throwing up all night and couldn't stop shaking for four days afterwards.  I'm not sure if he knows about the full details of that though.  I want to be able to move on.  I really do.  But it's hard to convice myself that I won't fail again.  That there is someone out there who can help me deal with my insecurities and who will have patience with me.  Who is willing to do the therapy more than just two sessions.  Who will help me remember the medication I know I need to take but that I get frustrated taking because I can't remember to take it everyday.  Who needs and loves me as much as I love him.  If not more.  Someone to hold me while I cry or to just sit close by so that I know I'm not alone.  Who understands the devistation of death.  Of never seeing that person again, never getting their advice or critisism.  That death is a big deal and greiving is a normal thing.  But also knows when to talk to me about their death and help me release the pain of it.  I'm sorry Holly... I still can't release you.  It still hurts too much to talk about you to anyone.  I'm still pretending you're alive.  Just... missing in action.

For applications to be my soulmate... email my cousin.  She knows the absolute most about me.  And has seen the problems in relationships before they even arose.  She'll talk to the rest of the family before any one person is decided on...

Okay.. so you'll have to email me... and I'll pass the note on to her....
[email protected]

Sorrows

I did something really messed up.  I shouldn’t have done it.  And I know that.  But I wanted to.  I felt I needed it.  Afterwards I felt so horrible.  Because I realized it was the last time.  He may claim he loves me still and cares about me and my well being, but there’s nothing left tying him to me save a piece of paper claiming us husband and wife.  He’s told me he can’t make any promises.  And I know he won’t.  It tears me apart on the inside knowing how much freedom he’s given himself.  And how much I’ve lost.  My soul is screaming at me.  I want to at least be his friend, but that hurts even more than never seeing him.  When I see him I crave nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around me holding the world at bay.  His aroma telling me everything is alright and that nothing can hurt me. 

Lies.  That’s what his arms bring me now.  Nothing but lies.  His arms cannot stave off the world.  And nothing is all right anymore.  It never will be all right again.  I’ve ruined what chance there was of the world being all right for me.

He yelled at me for the knife in my car.  I told him what it’s used for and he was even angrier.  But he has no say anymore.  He’s the one who chose to finish things.  If slicing is my way of staying sane… he needs to back off and let me live the life that I have left.

A life that I live under my grandmother's roof.  Wandering like some insubstantial waif.  To heartbroken to settle on any one thing to do.  To tired to do anything I may be able to settle on.  To depressed to try.  Crying silently throughout the day.  Hidden by nothing, but seen by none.  This hurts.  And I just want it to go away....

Destruction

He finally moved out.  Mr Q I mean.  He's gone.  Left last night.  He'd packed a bag on Friday but didn't leave.  Stayed long enough to go on a date, have some extra sex, go to a barbeque with me... then he moved out.  Says he's only going to be gone until the marriage counselling can start.  And then he'll move back if we're making some improvements.

It hurts that he moved out after I told him what I think my underlying cause was for how I've treated him lately.  The cause?  My fear of him leaving me.  Ironic isn't it?

I thought that assuring myself when I was about to get too out of control would be fine.  But, I guess not.  He did leave me after all.  Said to me yesterday though that he was moving out because he was too depressed.  He needed to get away from me and himself.  How does one get away from one's self?

Dream Jobs

Have I ever told any of you that my dream job... well my second dream job... has been (since i was about 9) to work in a theater?

I'm getting my dream job.  Of course it's just a part-time second job.  And it's minimum wage.  That's not what's important here.  What's important is that I'll get to see free movies.  I'll get to watch them before they actually "hit the theaters."  I get to bring as many people as I want to the non-sold out shows.  And I get all the free drinks and popcorn I want.  What more could I ask for?!

I'm so excited that I'm telling everyone how great it's going to be.  I'll probably be working concessions and clean-up, but I love concessions.  You meet all sorts of different kinds of people.  And I've done it before... so... no biggie!

Living up to One's Name

My little bro really is living up to his name.

So far he's alienated my mother by not even calling her on mother's day.  He's ticked of our older brother and his wife by basically blackmailing.  And in the last 5 years I can't think of a single birthday present I've gotten from him.  And I give him the good $30 to $40 dollar presents.  I'm almost 20.  I've been giving him those good presents since I got my first job!  And what do I get?  Maybe a $10 pesant on Christmas or Halloween.

Jerk!

Not that I should expect anything better from him.  He's had the prince complex since mom left.  It's mostly because Dad favored him and gave him almost anything... all for nothing.

Dad just got a giant sport team blanket and a cake for his birthday from Little Bro...

Little Bro really is living up to the name Damian...

What am I? Your B****?

I'm so angry at the moment.  I just want to find another job that pays as well as this and I'd be out of here.  What they're doing is ridiculous.  And if I wasn't at work right now... I'd tell all about it.  But I hear it's considered inappropriate to bad mouth the company that pays your bills while you're sitting there playing on the internet...

Hypocritical Me

I'm such a hypocrite...

I tell Mr Q that there should be NO secrets between us.  That if I ask him something he should be able to tell me the truth.  And I get angry at him when he tells me "I was asked not to tell anyone what we're doing." when it includes him in the doing of this "thing".

But I have secrets to.  Ones that I tell no one that wasn't involved with me while it was happening.  Ones that I'm either so ashamed of or disgusted with that I'd leave myself if possible.

How do you tell those types of secrets to the person you love?  Especially when they don't share their secrets back?

Found this on D's Girly's site:

Take the quiz: "Which God or Goddess are you?"

God of Emotions
Bipolar. You are the master of mood swings. You have trouble making up your mind though you are often mistaken for a normal teenager. Most of the time you are of good nature, but when that nasty mood hits, you'll take it out on the nearest person. You are the one who created emotions and you got more than anyone else.

Dang does it know me or what?