I did something really messed up. I shouldn’t have done it. And I know that. But I wanted to. I felt I needed it. Afterwards I felt so horrible. Because I realized it was the last time. He may claim he loves me still and cares about me and my well being, but there’s nothing left tying him to me save a piece of paper claiming us husband and wife. He’s told me he can’t make any promises. And I know he won’t. It tears me apart on the inside knowing how much freedom he’s given himself. And how much I’ve lost. My soul is screaming at me. I want to at least be his friend, but that hurts even more than never seeing him. When I see him I crave nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around me holding the world at bay. His aroma telling me everything is alright and that nothing can hurt me.
Lies. That’s what his arms bring me now. Nothing but lies. His arms cannot stave off the world. And nothing is all right anymore. It never will be all right again. I’ve ruined what chance there was of the world being all right for me.
He yelled at me for the knife in my car. I told him what it’s used for and he was even angrier. But he has no say anymore. He’s the one who chose to finish things. If slicing is my way of staying sane… he needs to back off and let me live the life that I have left.
A life that I live under my grandmother's roof. Wandering like some insubstantial waif. To heartbroken to settle on any one thing to do. To tired to do anything I may be able to settle on. To depressed to try. Crying silently throughout the day. Hidden by nothing, but seen by none. This hurts. And I just want it to go away....
so did he ever tell you the truth. maybe you two even talk about it. I wonder if you or him even cared. i guess not enuf for him to help or even try. stop with the bull shit. when will you learn its just a game of his. hes no fuckin son of the devil and all your litle vamp games. mybe if you all would have grown up it might have worked. im the new virus in you mind.
-goast
Posted by: goast | August 31, 2005 at 03:23 PM